Claptrap's Secret Stash
by Foryewhoartliterate
Summary: Remember that quest for Claptrap's Secret Stash? Well what if the Vault Hunters had actually completed all of Claptrap's ridiculous objectives instead of bypassing them? This fic explores exactly that question. A collaboration between myself, thewhitepatch, Civilized Lee and WhimsicalMayhem.
1. Introduction

Heyo!

Ladies and gentlemen, the time has finally come. This collaboration has been in the works for several months, but now it is finally done. We have a wonderful lineup of writers who assisted in the writing of this fic including, thewhitepatch, Civilized Lee, WhimsicalMayhem, and your humble narrator, Foryewhoartliterate.

What you are about to read is a fic set within an alternate universe where the Vault Hunters actually did all of Claptrap's ridiculous quest objectives in order to gain access to his Super Secret Stash (a quick thank you to lovelivelife for the fic idea).

So, now I give you, Claptrap's Secret Stash.

We collectively don't own Borderlands.

Enjoy!

**Claptrap's Secret Stash**

The Vault Hunters stood, assembled together in Claptrap's place. They were waiting impatiently for the robot to arrive. He said that he had a quest to give them and that the reward would top all of the quests that they had ever done before.

Claptrap rolled into the area and up to the front of the Vault Hunters.

"Minions!" He announced. "I have a quest for you! One that involves danger, loot, badasses, and rocks!"

"Rocks?" Gaige questioned.

"Let's hear it." Axton said.

"I have a Super Secret Stash, hidden very, very far away from here. I want you guys to have it. But, before I give it to you, I'm going to need you to complete a few tasks for me."

"Such as?" Maya asked.

"Well, first you're going to need to collect a few brown rocks for me. 139,377 of them to be exact! Then you'll need to defeat a badass skag. More specifically, this really big one that's named Ug-Thak Lord of Skags. Then you'll need to pilfer the Lost Staff of Mount Schuller. Then, bring me the head of the Destroyer of Worlds! Then you must dance for my enjoyment! Mwhahahaha!"

The Vault Hunters stared at him for a moment.

"Is that it?" Axton asked.

"Yep."

"Is the stash actually worth it?" Maya asked.

"Most definitely!"

Claptrap rolled away from the Vault Hunters and back into the street.

"Have fun completing the quests my loyal minions!" He yelled as he rolled away.

"Alright, I think the best way to do this is to split up." Axton said. "Maya and I will collect the rocks, Sal and Krieg can kill Ug-Thak Lord of Skags, and Gaige and Zer0 can get the lost staff."

"Hold it." Gaige said. "Why do you get the easy job and the pretty girl?"

"Um... Thanks?" Maya said.

"Because I'm the leader."

"Who put you in charge?"

"She's got a point there." Sal said.

"Fine. We'll change it. Zer0 and Maya can go get the staff, Sal and you can go collect rocks and Krieg and I will kill Ug-Thak."

"HAPPY DAY!" Krieg yelled.

"I don't want to get the staff." Maya said. "I want to kill something."

"Fine you kill Ug-Thak with Krieg."

"HELLO PRETTY LADY!"

Maya cringed.

"Can I maybe do that with Zer0 instead?"

Axton sighed.

"Fine. You and Zer0 kill Ug-Thak, Sal and I will collect rocks, and Gaige and Krieg will get the staff. Any objections? No? Good."

"What about the Destroyer of Worlds?" Gaige asked.

"We'll kill him as a group. Cause, you know, kill Destroyer of Worlds and take his head doesn't exactly sound like a two man job."

"Good enough. But what about dancing?"

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Anymore questions?"

There was a chorus of "no's" from the Vault Hunters.

"Great. Let's split up and go get us a Secret Stash."

**Foryewhoartliterate: I have the odd feeling that this won't be worth it…**


	2. Rock Collecting

**Rock Collecting**

**Author: thewhitepatch**

"So…" Axton said, tapping on the table. "Rocks. Rocks, Rocks, Rocks…"

He and Salvador had to collect the 139,377 brown rocks. It wasn't exactly the most exciting job on the list, but the two Vault Hunters acknowledged that it had to be done. That and it had seemed like the easiest idea at the time. They didn't exactly have a clear path to how they were going to get those stones, so Axton and Salvador decided to go to Moxxi's to figure it out over drinks.

A large map of Pandora was spread out in front of them, on the table. Axton sighed as he took a large sip of his drink. This was a lot harder than he had originally anticipated. He and Sal had found a few brown stones, but that had taken them a few hours. They still had a crapload more to find.

In retrospect, Axton suspected that the group as a whole was starting to become somewhat addicted to getting loot. Otherwise, why would they accept such a ludicrous mission from Claptrap?

"Why does he even need that many rocks?" Axton asked out loud.

"Dunno." Sal mumbled in reply. "Maybe he's building a house?"

Sal pointed at a brown part of the map. "That looks pretty brown. Think their might be a few rocks there?"

"First off, that's just the color of the map." Axton said. "Secondly, Even if there were rocks there, it would still take us years to collect all of them."

The two Vault Hunters stared at the map, dejected. Somebody walked up to their table, a mechanical whirl in their step.

"Greetings, fine fellows!" Hammerlock said. "I couldn't help but overhear of your strange predicament, and I have managed to come up with the most satisfactory solution!"

"...I didn't understand half those words." Sal mumbled to Axton.

"You know where we can get those rocks?" Axton asked, ignoring the gunzerker.

"Indeed." Hammerlock replied. "You see, there is a circus on Pandora that deals with matters most strange. 'The Unbearded Lady!' 'The Manly Siren!' 'The Educated Hodunk!'"

"What does this have to do with us?" The commando asked.

"As you may have guessed, one of the exhibits is the largest stone collection on Pandora. Perhaps you may acquire your collectables in that establishment."

"Say no more!" Sal said excitedly, crumpling up the map on the table. "We can get our rocks by killing stuff?! I'm in!"

"Yeah, this could be way easier than getting them all separately." Axton said, putting some money on the table to pay for their drinks. "But I think we should have a more subtle approach." They began to walk out of the establishment. "I need to get a better understanding of the grounds, so I was thinking we sneak in as employes."

"So we both get dressed up as clowns?" Sal asked, tossing the map into a trash bin.

"I was actually thinking of being a lion tamer." Axton replied. "But the clown thing is…" Their voices died out as they left the bar.

_**Some Time Later…**_

The door to Moxxi's bar opened. Axton and Salvador stomped over to the bar. Sal stopped by the trash bin to retrieve the thrown out map.

"Hey, sugar! How-" Moxxi said, turning over to the two Vault Hunters, then stopped.

Axton and Sal were both wearing colorful clothes and clown makeup. They were also very injured.

"...I get the sentiment, but that's a bit weird." Moxxi said.

"Shut up and give us a wet rag." Axton grumbled.

"Alright, Slappy. It'll give you a rash if you take it off like that." Moxxi said, handing the commando and the gunzerker a rag to wash off their faces.

"Ah!" Hammerlock said, walking over to the two Vault Hunters. "I see you have returned! How did your adventure fare out?"

Sal slammed his hand onto the table. He opened it up, showing three brown stones. He silently glared at Hammerlock.

"...Well, I suppose you have three more rocks than originally." He said positively, before examining one of them closer. "...Actually, this one is just a frozen skag dropping."

"I'm aware." Sal grumbled.

"I do hope this adventure wasn't too much trouble for you." Hammerlock said.

"It was a goliath circus." Axton said. "They were all giant, crazy monsters! How does that even happen?"

"Well, I suppose the psychopaths and bandits of this world must find ways to entertain themselves." Hammerlock replied.

"They do have ways of entertaining themselves! It's called killing one another!" Axton exclaimed.

"...Well, if it's any consolation, I do have another lead." Hammerlock stated. "Are you familiar with Captain Scarlett?"

"Depends on when you play the DLC." Salvador replied, only to be slapped on the head by Axton.

"We've heard of her." Axton replied, ignoring his teammate's comment.

"Well, you may be interested to know that she has recently taken up rock collecting herself, and has what is said to be the largest collection of stones on Pandora!"

"...Didn't you say that about the last one?" Axton asked.

"Well, I got this information from a far more reliable source!" Hammerlock exclaimed. "A companion of mine from Wurmwater informed me of this!"

"Well, if he's a local, he should probably know." Axton said. "Come on, Sal. We're going on a pirate raid!"

"Nice!" Sal exclaimed, then paused. "Are we doing the subtle approach again?"

"Nope!" Axton exclaimed as they walked out the door. "Ready your guns! This is gonna be violent!"

_**Some Time Later...**_

"Well, that wasn't a complete loss." Axton said.

Sal grunted.

"I mean, I don't know what the hell that giant monster the captain had was, but we managed to escape with a few rocks."

Sal grunted again. The two Vault Hunters were walking through the streets of Sanctuary. Salvador was carrying a giant boulder on his back while Axton walked next to him.

They stopped outside of Claptrap's area. Sal dropped the bolder and sighed in relief.

"Ay, that is one heavy son of a bitch!" He exclaimed. "Why are we here?"

"I told Claptrap that we were going to break apart a giant boulder to get his stones. He told me to meet him here with the rock and he would bring the explosives."

"Correct, minion!" The aforementioned robot exclaimed, rolling over to the Vault Hunters. "I have called upon my most trusted demolitions expert to go over the specifics of demolishing this magnificent rock."

"Sup, bitches!" Tina exclaimed.

"Her?" Axton asked. "Really?"

"Who else were you expecting, scrub?!" Tina exclaimed, pouting at the commando.

Axton never really explained to anybody what happened between the two of them, but it had involved some explosives, as most things involving Tina do.

"So, what do you think, my demo expert?" Claptrap asked Tina. "I assume we're going to be examining the density and shape of the bolder in order to strategically-"

"NOPE!" Tina shouted, pulling out what appeared to be a net of explosives and wrapped it around the boulder. "WATCH OUT, GURL!"

_**BOOM!**_

Axton and Sal were blown back by the explosion. As the dust cleared, they realized that Tina had disappeared. It was somewhat common of her to run away after causing explosions on Sanctuary, since she knew she would get in trouble.

The two Vault Hunters examined the damage. The boulder had been completely demolished in the explosion. All that remained of it was a pile of brown dust.

"Great!" Axton exclaimed. "There goes all our work!"

Maybe we should just go out to the wastes…" Sal mumbled. "Might as well get started with our lifelong mission of collecting rocks…"

"Hold on, minions!" Claptrap exclaimed, picking himself up off of the ground. He rolled over to the pile of brown dust and stared at it closely.

"...What are you doing?" Axton asked.

"I'm counting the number of tiny rocks you brought me using my built-in scanner counter!" Claptrap exclaimed.

"That sounds pretty advanced for a robot like you." Sal said.

"How come you never told us about it?" Axton asked.

"You never asked. No one does." Claptrap sighed. He suddenly dingged. "Oh! I'm done counting! Let's see…" He paused. "...Congratulations, minions! You've collected exactly 139,377 different rocks in this pile! Objective complete!"

"Wait...so that's it?" Axton asked.

"Ay, I'm not complaining!" Sal exclaimed. "Now we just gotta wait for the others to do their things!"

"Right…" Axton said.

The two Vault Hunters glanced at each other.

"Want to get wasted?"

"Hell yeah!"


	3. Skag Slaying

**Skag Slaying**

**Author: Civilized Lee**

And how exactly are the other Vault Hunter's faring in their parts of the quest? Let's find out...

"Alright, minions!" Claptrap's voice blared over Maya's Echo-Device. "You're almost there! You're coming up on Ug-Thak's lair! But first you're going to have to travel through..."

Maya and Zero looked uncertainly at each other, unsure if they just lost ECHO reception. After several seconds of awkward silence, a loud thundercrack boomed off towards the sea, and they quickly got their answer.

"HELL'S MAW!" Claptrap shouted, in as ominous a tone as his cheerful voice would allow. "Muahahaha!"

"Very dramatic," Maya replied, unamused.

"Just keep heading along the shoreline. You're gonna have to do a little spelunking to summon Ug-Thak. I'll tell you more later!"

"Wh-" Maya tried to protest, but the ECHOlink was already cut. "He wants us to go in a _cave_? This place is creepy as hell."

"What choice do we have?" Zero asked. "At least a cave is shelter from all of this rain."

Maya glanced up to the gray cloud-covered sky, her face briefly illuminated by a flash of lightning. The angry sea tossed wave after wave onto the rocky coastline. She sighed, then continued inching along the edge of the cliff overlooking the water below. Claptrap had told them this was the quickest way to find the lord of skags. He had neglected to mention it was one of the more dangerous ways, too.

"Still don't see how this is fair," the Siren grumbled, testing a loose-looking rock with her left shoe, then watching it as it tumbled several yards down into the white frothy water crashing into the boulders below. "Axton and Salvador just need to collect rocks. How hard could that be? Get an excavator and you're done, right? Hey, watch your step."

"Doubt it's that simple," Zero answered, following in the Siren's footsteps. "Maybe I should take the lead. I can see better."

"And maybe you should've suggested that earlier," Maya said, sidling along the ledge, her back pressed against the rock cliff. "Almost there..."

Maya slipped around the jagged corner of a large slab of rock, and sighed in relief as the familiar sight of solid ground appeared below. The two jumped down onto the beach, welcoming the feeling of being able to stand on something stable. Zero took a moment to look around.

The beach was only accessible by sea, with the exception of the treacherous path the two of them just took. The rest of the beach was walled off by sheer rock cliffs. The beach itself stretched out for a few hundred yards along the sea, and was riddled with small stones, several large logs that were once trees, since broken apart and waterlogged by the fierce waves, and even a small overturned canoe.

"Still looks seaworthy," Zero observed, slowly walking around it. "We might have to use this boat to get off this beach."

Maya glanced at the boat, then out to the sea. Another lightning bolt flashed in the distance, illuminating the black water as several tentacles as thick around as Salvador's torso thrashed angrily in the water. "Maybe not," she said. The tentacles dipped below the surface, then a hump crested over the water before diving back down.

"Thresher?" Zero asked, trying to get a better scan of the sea monster.

Maya shook her head. "Not like any one I've ever read about. Don't think they get that big, either. Come on, let's go find this Hell's Maw."

They crossed to the far end of the beach, and noticed a gaping hole in the side of the mountain. An entrance to a cave, with stalactites hanging at the mouth. Two smaller shadowy recesses over the cave entrance gave it the appearance of a vaguely demonic looking face with sharp teeth. The effect was made more dramatic by red discolorations on the stalactites, which Maya and Zero were fairly sure isn't the natural color of the rock. They exchanged a nervous glance.

"Well, go ahead," Maya said, tilting her head towards the cave. "You said you should have gone first."

Zero nodded slowly and took the lead, peering into the darkness with the visor's enhanced night vision. Skulls were scattered on the ground just inside the cave, some skag, most of them human.

"This does not bode well," Zero deadpanned.

As if on cue, the ECHOlink opened up again, and Claptrap spoke up. "Hell's Maw is just the name the human colonists gave to the place you're going."

Maya ran her gloved hand over her rain-soaked left arm and frowned. She should have been freezing cold, after just stepping out of the rain.

"The Eridian name for it, according to the doctor lady who just kicked me out of her lab, it translates roughly to 'the volcano which no man has returned from alive'," Claptrap explained. "But don't worry! That name is totally misleading."

They reached the end of the long, dark corridor, and made their way around a corner. A wave of heat hit them both as they looked at the red glow around the next corner. They quickly and quietly dashed forward to look into the cavern.

The chamber looked artificial. The walls were made of jagged rock, and more stalactites hang from the ceiling, but the opening itself was too round to be natural. In the middle of the room was a large pit that led down directly into a pool of red hot glowing magma. At the far end of the chamber is a dim passageway leading further into the mountain.

"It's not technically a volcano!" Claptrap chirped.

"What are they doing?" Zero asked.

Maya leaned a little further around the corner and noticed something she hadn't before: a group of men in skull masks standing around the lava pit, all of them wearing skull masks and red pants. "Psychos?" she muttered, narrowing her eyes.

"Looks like ritual dancing."

The group of psychos started chanting something the two of them couldn't quite make out, stomping their feet in rhythm.

"Oh! Did I forget to mention?" Claptrap's chipper voice spoke up again, and both Vault Hunters started to get the distinct impression that he didn't give them all the information they needed entirely on purpose. "As with most big-ass creatures on Pandora, Ug-Thak has a bunch of followers that you'll have to-"

Maya summoned a singularity above the hole in the center of the room, causing most of the psychos to be pulled into the air, screaming. The ones quick and smart enough to run away were dropped by Zero's rifle as Maya let the rest fall into the lava.

"Oh." Claptrap's voice sounded more depressed than usual at the anti-climactic fight. "Wow, those guys really weren't tough at all, were they? Serves ya right for standing so close to the lava pit, suckers! Oh well. I'm sure all that screaming got Ug-Thak's attention! He's probably deeper in the caves."

"If I didn't know any better," Zero said as they made their way around the lava pit, "I'd say he's _trying_ to get us killed."

As if to drive the point home, the walls started to shake as a loud roar echoed throughout the cave. Maya and Zero looked at each other nervously. Before they had a chance to enter the cavernous passageway, a large four-legged shadow started flickering on the wall in front of them. The Vault Hunters drew their weapon, waiting with bated breath as the shadow drew closer and closer.

Suddenly, the shadow started growing smaller, until a skag pup walked around the corner and sniffed tentatively at Maya's shoe. "This is the Lord of Skags?" she asked.

"Don't be ridiculous, minion!"

The ground shook again, and rocks from the ceiling started to crumble and fall all around them as another deafening roar echoed throughout the cave. The skag pup fled back down the passageway as the two Vault Hunters turned around.

A jet of fire shot straight up from inside the lava pit. Maya raised her eyebrows and squeaked out, "Oh..."

A heavy clawed paw slammed down on the ground in front of them, shaking the ground beneath their feet. "Crap," Zero said.

Maya and Zero took off in opposite directions towards the exit as the giant skag jumped up into the air and came crashing back down onto the ground. A large boulder above was shaken loose and smashed through the ground, leaving a yawning gap directly between Maya and the exit.

She skidded to a stop just in time, giving herself a long look at the jagged rocks and the pit of lava below. Zero stood by the tunnel leading out, watching as she back-pedaled a few steps. A red exclamation point appeared on Zero's visor. "Watch out!"

When Maya turned around, she saw the giant skag walking steadily towards her. "Well that's just great," she muttered to herself. The skag was much too big for her to run past, and she was pretty sure it could kill her with just one bite of its giant, powerful jaws. So she turned and sprinted towards the gap and jumped.

She let out something halfway between a grunt and a wheeze as her stomach slammed into the ledge. Her hands desperately searched for something to help pull herself up, but she felt herself slipping further and further over the edge. She looked up at Zero, who was still a good twenty feet away, before making the mistake of looking down at the lava below her dangling feet.

The giant skag let out a roar of what sounds like triumph, then turned around and started to take the long way around towards the exit. She felt herself losing her grip on the rock, and before she plummeted to the lava below, she shouted out as loud as she could, "DAMN YOU CLAPTRAAAAP!"

Just as she completely lost her grip, two pairs of three long, slim fingers grabbed tightly onto her left forearm. She looked up at the blank visor staring down back at her, then reached her right hand up as Zero helped pull her back onto solid ground.

The two of them started running down the tunnel towards the surface. The skag let out another roar, but it wasn't loud enough to drown out Claptrap's voice in their earpieces. "Holy crap, you found him! Alright, minions, good job not dying so far! Just get him out in the open! You won't be able to beat him on his home turf!"

Maya and Zero ran back out onto the beach, followed by the plume of fire breath nipping at their heels. They ducked behind a log, catching their breath and getting their first good look at Ug-Thak as he exited the cave and let out another roar.

The skag was reddish-brown in color, and tall enough for either of them to be able to run underneath it, though they both hoped they wouldn't need to. On its shoulders, back, and face were plates of thick natural armor, glowing red-orange, not unlike the lava pit it lived by.

"Don't suppose you can phaselock that," Zero said.

Maya glanced over and gave her best _what do you think?_ look.

"Right."

They spent a few minutes trying to take it down the good old-fashioned way, with lots of bullets, but they quickly realized that was a war of attrition they wouldn't have a hope to win. The first time Ug-Thak roared, they landed a good dozen shots in its mouth, but it seemed to learn from that mistake, since it only opened its mouth to let out quick jets of fire after that. Any shot they landed on its armor bounced off harmlessly, save for one shot from Zero's pistol that managed to ricochet and clip Maya in the side.

"Dammit," she groaned, crouching down behind a large boulder. "You got any insta-healths on you?"

"No," Zero answered, peeking out to check on Ug-Thak. A few swooping rakk were distracting the giant skag, buying them a little time.

She gritted her teeth. "Got any ideas how to take this thing down?"

Zero pointed towards the water at the near side of the beach. "Lead him around over there. I want to try something."

"Hey! You wanna tell me your plan?" she hissed, as Zero stalked away and vanished from sight. She bit her lip. "Guess not."

Maya peeked out from behind the large rock she was using for cover, and Ug-Thak turned his head to face her, seemingly finished with the rakk circling overhead. She ducked back and took a few deep breaths before springing up and firing off a few shots at him to get his attention. It spit out a fireball at her in retaliation, and she only managed to dive out of the way before it exploded against the rock she was standing on.

A single crack from a sniper rifle pierced through the air, and the giant skag let out an angry bellow. She stole a glance as she got to her feet and saw a jet of blood shooting out of Ug-Thak's left eye socket.

She takes a second to appreciate the placement of the shot, but that's all the time Ug-Thak gave her. The loss of one of his eyes only served to anger him. As it started chasing towards her, she noticed that it didn't seem to slow him down any, and with good reason. Skags have poor eyesight, and tend to rely on their other senses to find food, notably hearing and smell. And she was just realizing that he had picked up the scent of blood on her.

She broke off into a sprint, leading Ug-Thak away from Zero, hoping to line up a shot at the other eye. She turns and starts running along the coastline, waves from the ocean crashing against her ankles. Ug-Thak paused to spit another fireball at her.

A flash of lightning illuminated the beach for a second, immediately followed by a loud crack. Maya didn't bother to look back as Ug-Thak let out another roar, his right eye shot out. The giant skag spit out a jet of fire from its mouth, and Maya took a dive into the water to avoid it.

Zero cloaked and starts sprinting towards the giant skag as it sniffed at the water, the scent of blood being spread out by the waves. It swiped at the water with its claws a few times, but didn't manage to hit anything.

Zero broke the cloak and lunged at the skag's unarmored hind leg, leaving a long gash in its skin. A bit of the blood splashed back onto Zero's armor, while most of it spilled and started spreading through the water. The assassin turned and dashed away, luring Ug-Thak along with him.

Maya gasped as she broke the surface for air. The salt water in her bullet wound felt like she was being stabbed repeatedly with a hot poker, but she figured it was better than being lit on fire. She spotted Zero throwing out a decoy, which was promptly slapped out of existence by a heavy paw. The waves from the ocean started crashing against her legs harder, and she walked back onto land. She fired off a few distracting shots before ducking behind a rock and doubling over in pain.

Zero hurdled over a log and took cover behind it, waiting impatiently for the suit's decoy to cool down. The visor's scanner showed Ug-Thak advancing, sniffing at the air hungrily. Zero placed a hand on the log and got ready to run, when the log started to levitate.

Ug-Thak and Zero both seemed to be equally surprised and confused as the log rotated in the air, then swung around and struck the giant skag in the head. Ug-Thak stumbled to the side, then shook his head, only to be struck again, this time in his already injured hindquarter. Enraged, he jumped up and swatted the log away before turning back to the assassin.

Zero made a dash straight for the log and jumped onto it, then cloaked and threw out another decoy. Maya watched in confusion for a moment as Ug-Thak swiped at and missed the hologram darting back and forth over the log.

"Alright, you big bastard," she growled through a clenched jaw. "Time to cool you down a bit."

With every last bit of strength in her body, she extended both arms out in front of her, and sent the log sailing out towards the ocean. Still smelling the blood on it, Ug-Thak chased it into the water.

Zero uncloaked beside Maya, watching as the giant skag thrashed his paws and jaws against the water. He sunk his teeth into the floating tree, but the victory was short-lived. Several large tentacles came up out of the water and wrapped themselves around him. Ug-Thak let out a panicked roar as he thrashed his head back and forth. He managed to sink his teeth into one of the tentacles before he was suddenly and violently pulled underwater. The two Vault Hunters watched in silence as the churning water slowly calmed down.

"There's always a... bigger monster." Maya let out an exhausted sigh, then doubled over to catch her breath.

They both let out annoyed moans as their ECHO devices crackled in their ears.

"Minions!" Claptrap whined. "You were supposed to slay Ug-Thak yourselves! To go up against impossible odds and come out the victors! You can't just get somebody else to do your dirty work for you!"

"Glass houses, Claptrap," Zero quipped, guiding Maya to sit on a nearby rock.

"Oh, don't play that card on me. I'm sending you on these quests to prove your worthiness of the quest before you! And of the reward I have promised!"

"Yeah," Maya said, "what did you say that was, again?"

Claptrap hummed in thought for a moment, completely ignoring Maya's question. "Alright, minions. You may have violated the _spirit_ of the quest, but you did as I asked. Ug-Thak is dead, and you have proven your resourcefulness, if not your might! Come on back!"

Maya shook her head and sighed loudly. "This really better be worth it," she said between breaths.

Zero was busy getting the little canoe ready. "We should be off now, before that monster comes back. Are you good to go?"

She winced as she stood up, then nodded. The two of them pushed the small canoe into the waves and hopped on, using large pieces of driftwood as makeshift paddles.

"Hey, minion! Before I forget, were you really prepared to spend your final words cursing my name?"

Maya frowned. "I stand by what I said," she said, then shut her ECHO off. A red "LOL" flashed across Zero's visor.

**Foryewhoartliterate: One does not simply paddle out of Hell's Maw.**

**Hi. Civilized Lee, here. Normally this is where the author (that's me!) thanks you for reading, but I'd like to use this space to talk about how absolutely crazy skags are. The little spitter ones look like they're about the size of your average dog, but then you get those crazy big ones like Skagzilla and Dukino's Momma! That's a crazy size difference. That would be like if dogs could be as small as chihuahuas, but also as big as a bull elephant.**

**You might think that I'm over-analyzing a fictional alien species in a video game. You would be correct.**


	4. Staff Pilfering

**Staff Pilfering**

**Author: WhimsicalMayhem**

The jungle was dense. Foliage was cramped together, green overlapping green and trees covering them all. How could such a large place seem so claustrophobic? Almost upon entering Gaige had the want of fresher, less musty air, than that of the Pandorian jungle.

The jungle was the only jungle on Pandora and as such was named adequately; Tangleweed. It was more a solid plant matter mass than an actual place, it'd undisturbed growth allowing it to really fill out its shell.

Gaige was torn between wishing she had gone to get the rocks with Axton, or being thankful that Krieg had been the one to come with her.

The psychos buzzax was slicing through the jungle like a hot knife through butter. No offending plant was shown mercy, especially those that fought back. He mumbled things about a salad of carnage, but otherwise remained quiet. He had been surprisingly sedated since he had been chosen to go with Gaige. Which had been a bit of a surprise to the mechromancer seeing as Krieg and her didn't really send much time together.

Almost as interesting as the above, but more amusing, was the fact that Krieg had added to his small amount of clothes; a fedora, brown with a slightly wider brim. She didn't ask about it and he didn't mention it, so the mechromancer giggled at it from afar. She hadn't the slightest idea why he had wanted to wear it, but that was fine he was embracing a style of his own while a style of his own while making his way through a jungle where even the small flowers could kill you.

Ripping her attention away from Krieg's broad back, Gaige glared down at a tattered, faded cloth map. Claptrap had given it to her and it was supposed to lead them to the path to Mount Schuler, which was smack dab in the middle of Tangleweed; or so they thought. The only sky to go off of was the emerald illumination of the canopy above, and it wasn't like they could see more than five feet in any direction. There could have been a bullymong following them and they would never know.

"I hope this map Claptrap gave us is still accurate." Gaige mused aloud. Her voice was sucked up amidst the trees, and it was with such speed that she wondered if Krieg had heard her at all.

"I mean-" she continued. "It looks really old and decrepit and stuff."

Krieg grunted but didn't otherwise respond. Gaige thought they would be doomed to a think silence for the rest of their mission, when something small ricocheted off of her shield. She paused and looked around but saw nothing.

"Weird..." She muttered.

"Shrimp wish for the bloody cocktail if our anemones?" Asked Krieg.

"Uh... No, it was nothing, I think. Just-"

Another something whistled past Gaige, just barely missing her ear, and connecting with a tree nearby."

"-ooor not."

Krieg turned to face her, his muscles tense and his breathing heavy. Gaige was stock still, her breath held in anticipation.

The projectile looked almost like a healing hypo, except filled with a thick purple slime that dropped down the tree in a slow, viscous manner.

"Run?" suggested Gaige.

"Lions roared and retreat from gazelles!"

Several more hybrid-hypos shot into the space.

"Today is a good day to bank!" the psycho roared.

Both Krieg and Gaige tore off, shoving and slicing at the underbrush that hindered their way. The hypos were shot quickly and accurately, each one either hitting too close to home, or chipping away at their shields.

"Soulless killer?" called back Krieg.

"Zer0's not here." Gaige painted back.

"Bolts and bullets?"

"You mean Deathtrap?"

"Affirmative private!"

"I can't-" Gaige ducked as a tree branch nearly beheaded her. "-or at least not yet. He's too big to fit between all the trees; he'll get stuck!"

Turning she shot blindly with her corrosive SMG. Something squealed and there was a thud.

"Hey!" exclaimed Gaige. Krieg paused, looking back at his companion. "I think I may have killed it..."

Slowly, they crept up. There, on the ground, was a tiny person. It looked like a midget psycho, with slight differences. Their entire body was covered in tribal tattoos. It was outfitted in a leafy headdress and a foliage skirt. On its side was an automatic blowgun and a wickedly sharp spear.

The mechromancer nudged it with her foot.

"Ha," she spat. "Bitch."

Quick as lightning, two hypos bounced off of her chest, completely taking her shield down. The third one sank into her thigh, the purple liquid disappearing into her veins, filling them like peanut butter. It was excruciating.

Gaige's scream echoed, before the forest muted it, taking it into its dark leafy lair and never letting it go. She dropped like a rock, her leg losing all feeling except for a dull throbbing ache.

"The hooded one shall not kidnap your sauce today shrimp!" Krieg hoisted her over his shoulder, dodging the spears that shot through the dense leaves.

"Krieg, I can't-"

"Shrimps do not have mouths to eat with, so screeching is not plausible!"

The psycho took off at an impressive speed. Gaige supposed this shouldn't have surprised her; after all, he was the second biggest man she knew and an absolute beast.

Seeing as only her leg was injured and, while Krieg's butt wasn't necessarily a bad thing to look at, she decided that the more pressing matter at hand took priority.

"Die bitches! Anarchy!" she screamed as she peppered the jungle with her corrosive bullets. Krieg dodged spears and hypos as best he could, while still hacking through the jungle, but the numbers seemed to be increasing. Small figures bolted in and out of view; mere shadows among the underbrush.

"Krieg..." she warned. "We have incomings."

The trees around them exploded with life, figures wrestling to get a grip. What seemed like hundreds of bodies surrounded them, some slamming into Krieg and others randomly jabbing with spears.

Krieg lost his balance, shouting something like "meat haunches down!", and Gaige fell with him. They tumbled. Apparently somewhere in front of them there had been a drop, and then they were free falling. Gaige landed on her back, the wind knocked out of her lungs and her vision blackening. She choked and struggled in the effort for breath.

"Shrimp out of water, your sauce still flows fresh. To die is to live!"

Gaige was expecting to be wrenched up in typical Krieg fashion. Instead, she was gently set up; Krieg's large hand on her back.

"Is-" she coughed "that your new nickname for me? Shrimp?"

"If the technicolor flip-flop fits."

She closed her eyes, leaning against his hand in an attempt to steady her breathing.

"I'm not that short." she panted.

All she got in response was a maniacal laugh.

Gaige attempted to stand, but her leg gave out. Krieg picked her up by the hood of her jacket.

"We'll that's not good. I don't think I can walk." She grimaced. "What is that stuff?"

Krieg didn't respond, instead giving a grunt and throwing the mechromancer over his shoulder once more.

"Hey, hey!" She exclaimed.

"When you can't scurry, get someone to hoist your net! This fisherman will not let his catch fail." He adjusted her, causing a shoulder to jab into Gaige's stomach.

"Okay, the fish talk I'd getting old. I liked it better when you talked crazy and I couldn't understand what you were saying." The mechromancer harrumphed, crossing her arms as best she could.

The place they had fallen was dim, but not dark, light seeping in through the far away opening. It looked like an ordinary ravine, until she noted the large ornately carved stone door.

"There." Gaige pointed out."I bet that's our ticket into the mountain.

Mount Schuler was a squat mountain, but what it lacked in height it more than made up for in range and access ability. Assuming you could make it through the jungle to get to the base. Mount Schuler's caverns and tunnels led on for miles in every direction, often maze-like in their lead.

Krieg turned to inspect the door, in turn causing Gaige to face the opposite direction. The mechromancer groaned.

"According to the map, there's a puzzle we have to solve to get through the door. If you could let me see it, maybe I could-"

Krieg maniacal laugh, coupled with his exclamation of **"BOOMTIME!"** told Gaige that puzzle solving was _not_ happening and instead something cooler was going to happen.

An explosion rocked the earth around them, sending a dangerous amount of debris raining down from above. Krieg, who had barely flinched, set the mechromancer down and attended to the rubble that had previously been the door.

Now in a wider area, Gaige decided to summon Deathtrap, if not for protection, then for the simple task of lugging her around.

"Come little shrimp; the trove has just been popped." Scooping down and replacing his hat, Krieg gestured for her to enter.

What Gaige saw was… was…

Well, less than climatic, really.

It was a tunnel, slanted up. Not only that but it was an extraordinarily long slanted tunnel. Her and Krieg followed it up and around for what seemed to be hours without their being hide nor hair of an end. Gaige was starting to really get worried when the psycho started panting.

"You okay up there big guy? We can stop for a breather." She called up to him. Krieg gave an odd whiny grunt, but didn't stop moving forward.

_Clink._

A pressure plate sank under the psycho's foot. The ceiling down the hallway opened up and out came a large stone ball that looked big enough and heavy enough to crush them both under its massive girth.

Kinda like Ellie on a bad day.

"Uh oh." Gaige murmured. Krieg gave a loud groan.

"In miseries life, comes glorious calves." He growled and Gaige swore she could hear the eye roll.

Then the ball started to roll…

…and Krieg unholstered his launcher and exploded it into tiny, tiny pieces.

"Fortune and gory, kid. Fortune and gory." The psycho muttered before adjusting his hat and continuing his trek.

Gaige blinked. Turning to DT she whispered.

"He's either really badass or batshit crazy. I haven't decided yet."

From there it wasn't too much longer. The temperature was starting to drop even more so from when they first set foot in the cave system. By the time Gaige and Krieg finally got to the door, frost was lightly covering its surface.

"This should be it." Gaige declared. Krieg grunted. Instead of blowing this door up, he bum rushed it, taking it off of its stone track and crashing both door and psycho into the snow.

The top of Mount Schuler was covered in ice and snow. A bitterly cold wind caused Gaige to shiver; it was like tiny, icy daggers being dug into her skin. She wondered how her companion was faring, being dressed in even less than she.

The mechromancer found him making snow sirens. She left him to that, figuring that the lost staff shouldn't be that hard to locate now that they had finally reached the peak.

Through the blizzardy gusts, Gaige made out an altar. It stood tall against the winds, erected stones with archaic emblems that wove from tip to base. They were placed strategically in a semicircle; assumedly to protect something from the wind.

That something, Gaige realized, was curled up in a tight coil around a large stone slab. While usually a charcoal black, when the creature breathed, the cracks in its fragmented skin showed a burning orange interior. Easily it s head was as big as her body; its long serpentine body lost within itself.

In short it was a great big fiery snake, coiled around the rest place of the staff sleeping soundly.

"Snakes." Bemoaned Krieg. "Why's it always gotta be snakes." He was practically cowering behind Gaige, who looked incredulously at the man.

"Are you _for real_? You've taken down Terramorphous and Pyrocaustic Pete and you're telling me that you're afraid of a souped up snake?" The mechromancer hissed. Krieg whined, eyes darting between the epic beast and the small redhead he was attempting to hide behind.

"Oh for the love of- fine." Gaige shoved the psycho off of her. "I'll go get the staff. Well, me and DT."

Slowly, she approached the creature. She was making the extra effort to remain silent, but figured that the odds of it waking were slim to none. It had been up here all that time…

…it didn't, however, take her completely off guard when its eyes shot open because A) snakes smell their prey and B) her fucking luck.

She dodged the first attack; it spat a glob of saliva that, on impact, glowed and melted the rocks around it. DT was hit by a tail lash and sent spinning. Drawing her SMG, Gaige peppered it, but no bullets seemed to pierce its scaly hide.

A buzzax whistled through the air and stuck true in the snake's flesh. That attack didn't even faze it, but its attention was drawn to the screaming psycho.

It lunged at him, and Krieg barely managed to dodge it. He wasn't so lucky on the second attack, where the tail wrapped around his middle and lifted him aloft. Gaige could hear Krieg's ribs cracking as the beast applied a crushing force to his chest.

The embersnake unhinged its jaw like… well, like a snake. Two pointy fangs dripped orange fluid onto the snow, melting it through. Krieg, in response, whacked at it with is buzzax to no effect.

And that was it. The monster stuck, its fangs nearly severing the psycho's torso from his waist, its venom liquefying his innards so that they mingled and pooled with the blood underneath him. Gaige watched, horrified, as it swallowed him whole, all that was left nothing more than an extra undulation to its body.

Or, Gaige assumed that's what would have happened.

With speed she didn't quite know she possessed, the mechromancer made a mad dash for her companion. Taking a flying leap, the creature's fangs sank, not into human flesh, but into the metal of her arm. It was totaled; what wasn't crushed was dissolving. But it was holding steady. Now that its mouth was propped open, Gaige pulled out a grenade.

"Hope MIRV tasted good bitch!" She tossed it down the snake's throat and it swallowed it.

At first nothing happened.

Then it was raining carnage and gore and the purity of the snow as tainted with the blood of their badassitude.

Now free of obstacles, Gaige entered the altar and for the first time, viewed the Lost Staff of Mount Schuler.

It was about six feet long and made of a shiny ebony metal that the mechromancer couldn't place. Smoothing a hand against it, she felt engravings that were not apparent to the naked eye. The staff was topped by a large chunk of eridium, shaped roughly to form a diamond.

It was cold in her hands, but Gaige didn't care. For the moment she reveled in her accomplishment. Ha word! I did it! I got the staff-

Aw crap.

"Son of a bitch!" She screamed. "Now we gotta walk all the way back down."

Krieg smiled. Krieg never smiled. Especially when his chest was concave and she was sure from his wheezy huffs that he had a punctured lung.

"You know how to fly, don't you?"

Gaige narrowed her eyes. "Uhhhh, no. Why? Do you?"

The mechromancer's eyes went wide. No… He wouldn't…

Suddenly she was over his shoulder again and he was looking towards the edge of the peak.

"Krieg no wait-" Gaige grasped the staff tighter in her hands.

"It's a leap of faith!" He roared back. The psycho took a bound right over the edge.

She was sure they heard it for miles. They probably heard it all the way back in Sanctuary. Mildly, she was surprised it didn't cause Krieg's head to explode.

"KRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEG!"


	5. Destroyer of World Destroying

**Destroyer of Worlds Destroying**

**Author: thewhitepatch**

Gaige and Krieg walked into Claptrap's place in Sanctuary. Gaige's robotic arm was partly melted and Krieg looked like he had been shoved into Ellie's car crusher at some point in the last few hours. The other four were already there. Axton and Sal looked like they had both spent the last several hours getting drunk and Maya and Zer0 were both soaking wet, slightly singed and smelled vaguely of dead skag. Claptrap was standing nearby.

"Hey, Claptrap. Here's your staff." Gaige said.

She tossed the Lost Staff of Mount Schuller on the ground in front of him.

"Good job minions! I will cherish it always. Probably. Anyway, I have the Fast Travel coordinates for the lair of the Destroyer of Worlds."

Claptrap held out an Echo-Device. Gaige grabbed it from him.

"You guys ready to go kill a Destroyer of Worlds?" She asked.

"Let's do it." Axton said jumping off the pile of boxes he had been sitting on.

The others followed and they went to the Fast Travel Station in Sanctuary.

Gaige punched in the coordinates and they digistructed, appearing again in front of the temple of the Destroyer of Worlds.

The temple was about as foreboding as you would expect the lair of the Destroyer of Worlds to be. Lava, smoke, spikes and jagged rocks decorated the mountain layer. It was located in the base of a volcano, on an isolated island in the middle of said volcano.

Our Vault Hunting heros looked upon the scene in wonder.

"...How did Claptrap even know about this place?" Gaige said.

"I dunno." Axton replied. "Read about it?"

"I'm not 100% sure Claptrap can read." Gaige said.

"You know what?" Maya said. "It doesn't really matter at this point. Let's just get this over with."

"Ya, I don't think defeating the Destroyer of Worlds is going to be a quick job." Salvador said.

"A destructive beast./ It shall fall to my swift blade." Zero stated. "A worthy challenge."

"MY BODY IS READY!" Krieg shouted. The group was silent for a second

"...Yeah, Maya's right." Axton said after the pause. "We should try to make this fast."

The group walked up to the gate of the temple. On top of the gate was a monstrous looking statue. It looked like a demonic gargoyle. Suddenly, the eyes of the statue began to ominously glow.

**"ARE YOU GODS?"** A booming voice asked.

The Vault Hunters were unfazed by the strange question. They silently glanced at each other, before collectively nodding. Maya step forward.

"No, we are not Gods." She replied.

The gargoyle was silent for a few moments. Suddenly, it sighed in relief.

**"OH THANK GOODNESS! I WOULD BE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE IF YOU WERE GODS. HOLD ON, I'LL GET THE GATE."**

Our heros looked at each other, trying to figure out what was happening. The drawbridge on the other side of the lava moat fell down with a graceless crash. Carefully, the Vault Hunters crossed the bridge.

**"NOW, I KNOW IT DOESN'T SEEM SMART TO-"** The voice began to say as they entered the temple. It stopped for a second.

**"WAIT. I'M STILL DOING THE VOICE. THAT MIGHT BE A BIT INTIMIDATING. I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A SECOND."**

"Take your time, I guess…" Maya said politely, then whispered to the teammates "What the hell is going on here?"

While waiting, the Vault Hunters took in the temple's decor. The interior of the was just as grand as one would expect. It had large, red stone walls and pillars, and a large, foreboding, wooden gateway.

The only thing out of place was the red curtain along the wall behind where the statue was outside.

"So what's behind the curtain?" Gaige asked out loud. "A window or something?"

"Probably nothing important." Axton said. "It stands out too much to really hide anything."

"Actually," a voice said as the curtain began to open. "Actually, that's where we keep the lookout spot. Helps scare off any wannabe Destroyer of Worlds...destroyers."

The figure that came out from behind the curtain was a dweeby looking man-thing.

Upon closer inspection, he appeared to be the same species of the statue outside, a cross between a demon and a gargoyle. Demonic features aside, he looked like a scrawny man wearing a short-sleeve button-up shirt and khakis that were too short for him, cutting off halfway below the knee.

"Hi." He waived. "I'm Brian, the Gatekeeper of the Destroyer of World's intern."

The Vault Hunters stared at him for about half a second, before Krieg silently waved back.

"Nice to meet you...Brian..." Axton said. "I'm-"

"Oh! Oh! I know who you guys are!" Brian said with excitement.

"You're the new Vault Hunters! I should have recognized you guys! You guys are awesome!"

"Wait, if you live in this isolated temple, how could you have heard about us?" Salvador asked.

"Oh, well, I, uh, I met a girl online." Brian said, blushing. "She told me all about you guys. Her name is Claudia Trapstien. She says you guys work for her. Is she as hot as she said she is?"

"Should I tell him?" Axton whispered to Gaige.

"It's too late. I already have the mental image." she replied, shuddering.

"So, that aside, how does this work?" Maya asked. "We're here to fight the Destroyer of Worlds. Where do we go?"

Brian's face paled. "Oh. Crap. I should have actually saw that coming. You guys are here on business." He looked around the room, then whispered, "Can you guys keep a secret?"

"HIDDEN FARTS!" Krieg screamed.

"...I'll take that as a yes." Brian said. "You can't fight the Destroyer of Worlds right now."

"Why not?" Zero asked.

"W-W-W-Well," Brian stuttered, intimidated by the assassin. "It a f-funny story. See, I, well, it's just, …IBROKEIT!"

"...What?" Sal said.

"I broke the Destroyer of Worlds."

Beyond the intimidating wooden door was an ancient coliseum. There were elevated bleachers surrounding the center battlefield. It was easy to see how the battles used to go, based off of the layout:

A challenger, presumably somebody trying to find glory in slaying the Destroyer of

Worlds, maybe just a sacrifice, would enter through the hall on one side of the arena. The gate would close behind them, and they would be presented with an intimidating giant statue. The statue would animate into the Destroyer of Worlds, and it would kill the challenger/sacrifice as the spectators watched.

As the Vault Hunters surveyed the arena, it became apparent what the problem was:

The statue of the Destroyer of Worlds, as in, the actual Destroyer of Worlds, was destroyed beyond recognition.

"What...How did you do this?" Axton asked.

"Well, actually, it's just, you've probably noticed that I'm not the actual Gatekeeper." Brian stuttered. "The real one left on vacation for a bit."

"How long ago was that?" Axton asked, as he kicked a piece of the former Destroyer of Worlds around.

"A few millennia ago." Brian replied. "There is a slight chance that he might not actually return. But!" he stated, as if somebody was going to argue with him. "But, you can never be too sure. I knew I had some time, so, a while ago, I decided to throw a party. I never really got the chance to back when I was in school. I wasn't really that popular."

"Oh, really." Gaige said sarcastically.

"Really! I thought it would be a good idea. But then one thing lead to another, and somebody destroyed the statue!"

"Man, sounds like a loco party!" Sal said. "Wish I could have been there."

"It was, so I heard." Brian said. "I got locked out."

"So have you tried to reanimate the Destroyer?" Maya asked, getting the conversation back on topic.

"I don't think it would work, with the statue being destroyed." Brian replied. "I mean, we could try to reanimate him into little bits and claim that you guys killed him, but we would need the blood of a virgin to summon him."

The Vault Hunters looked at Brian.

"A HUMAN virgin." He clarified. "Just a drop."

"Got it." Axton said. "Gaige, could you-"

"Woah Woah Woah Woah Woah!" Gaige exclaimed. "What makes you think I'm a virgin?!"

"Well, I was married, so that's a bit of a foregone conclusion." Axton said.

"It would be foregone if you had kids, not if you were just married." Gaige countered.

"Gee wiz, I guess you're right! The ex and I just sat in a circle holding hands on our honeymoon, nothing more!" Axton said sarcastically.

"Junior prom last year!" Gaige said back to him."I'll have you know that I went with Eric Gutterman, and let's just say he got the gaige! Oooooh yeah!" She swung her hips around in an attempt to be suggestive.

"I don't think...You call it 'the gaige'?" Axton questioned. "How...Know what? Nevermind. The virgin plan might be a no-go. I don't think Zero's going to be open about his love life, right, pal?"

"..."

"Thought so. I don't even want to ask Sal."

"I've seen things." The gunzerker said with a creepy smile.

"Ew. And Krieg-"

"IF I COMPARED YOU TO A KISS FROM A ROSE!"

"...Right. Well, time for plan-"

"You guys are idiots." Maya said. She picked up a jagged piece of the former Destroyer and cut her hand open. "That how we do it?" She asked Brian.

"H-Huh? Oh, right. Sorry. You guys seemed to be doing your own…" Brian trailed off, muttering an apology. "If it was going to work, If you are a...a…" He stuttered more as his face became beet red.

"Virgin. Yeah, I am." Maya finished his sentence, annoyance clear in her voice. "What do we do now?"

"Uh…" Brian thought about it, then snapped. "Oh! Yes! That would work! Yes!" He ran out of the arena. "Give me a minute. I have to get onto the scary voice!"

The Vault Hunters were left alone. Axton snickered.

"So, Maya-"

"I was raised in a monastery." She quickly interrupted. "After I left, I came straight to Pandora. At what point would I have sex?"

"I'm not judging!" Axton defended himself, although he was still snickering. They were silent for about two minutes. "If you ever want a crash course-"

"I can still melt your brain."

"Point taken."

Suddenly, the arena lit up. Fog descended on the Vault Hunters, and Brian voice filled the arena.

**"OK, HERE'S WHAT I'M GOING TO DO: I'LL SUMMON A NEW DESTROYER OF WORLDS. IT'S GOING TO BE COMPLETELY RANDOM, SO WE'LL JUST KEEP GOING UNTIL WE HIT SOMETHING THAT FITS! ALRIGHT?"** Brian's creepy, loud voice boomed through the arena.

"Got it, Brian!" Gaige shouted. "Send us the Destroyer of Worlds!"

A bolt of lightning struck the area where the statue of the former Destroyer of Worlds once stood. The Vault Hunters primed themselves for battle, aiming their weapons at the forming creature.

"You better give up now, Monster!" Axton shouted. "We are the ones that the bandits fear!"

"The bane to Jack's existence!" Gaige added.

"The masters of loot/ Collectors of all weapons./You are going down." Zero boasted.

"Gun-toting badasses!"

"I BATHE IN THE FLESH OF BABY POOP!"

"And you…" Maya began to say, until she saw the "Destroyer". "...you're just a rabbit, aren't you?"

It was true. The creature Brian had called forth was a small, white rabbit.

The Vault Hunters stood their ground for a second, making sure it wasn't a trick.

The rabbit nibbled on a carrot.

"Ok, yeah, it's just a rabbit." Gaige said. "Brian, why is this a rabbit?"

**"I WAS TRYING TO SUMMON CTHULHU!"** Brian said. **"HOLD ON...THE BUNNY'S NAME IS CTHULHU. I HAD A BIT OF A MIX UP IN THE INFORMATION."**

"So you know it's name, but you couldn't tell what species it was?" Maya asked.

**"THIS IS A CONFUSING JOB!"** Brian replied. **"LOOK, COULD YOU GUYS DO ME A SOLID AND KILL IT? AT THE MOMENT, THAT THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW TO GET RID OF IT. IF I MESS UP THE NEXT FEW, I DON'T THINK YOU'LL HAVE TO KILL THEM."**

"On it." Axton said, and quickly fired a shot into the rabbit, killing it.

Gaige gasped in horror.

"What? We kill people all the time. That was just an animal."

"But it was really cute!" Gaige defended. "In a badass way." She said, trying to save some face.

"You never know when being able to kill cute things will be useful." Axton replied.

_Somewhere, Angel sneezed._

"No wonder Tina hates you." Gaige grumbled.

"You gonna finish that?" Salvador asked Axton.

"What?" Axton asked

"I'm hungry." Sal replied. "Are you going to eat that?"

"Uh…No. Go for it."

"Gracias." Sal said, eating the rabbit in one bite.

Some of the other Vault Hunters turned green, but before they could react to Sal, Brian's voice filled the room again.

**"OK, YOU GUYS MENTIONED JACK BEFORE, RIGHT? I THINK I HAVE SOMETHING CONNECTED TO THAT."**

Lightning struck the arena again.

**"PRESENTING...THE CREATOR OF HANDSOME JACK! THE NEW DESTROYER OF WORLDS!"**

The Vault Hunters got into a battle position, but not as intensely as before.

"Should we do the boast thing?" Gaige whispered.

"We kinda ruined it. The moment's gone." Axton replied.

The battle was still not going to start, for, when the smoke cleared, an old women in a rocking chair appeared.

"What?" She said to nobody in particular. "Johnny? Is that you?"

"Brian…" Axton said. "Who is this…"

**"SHE WAS DESCRIBED AS THE CREATOR OF HANDSOME JACK…"** Brain said, confused. **"HE SEEMS TO BE YOUR ENEMY, SO I FIGURED WHOEVER CREATED MUST BE PRETTY BAD."**

"Johnny? You calling yourself Jack again?" The old women replied. "That's not your name, you ugly little brat. You are my least favorite grandchild, and I only have one."

"There's a lot of emotional stuff wrong with Jack that probably made him such a dick, and it might be this woman's fault, but I don't think she's Destroyer of Worlds material." Axton said.

**"YOU MAY BE RIGHT. HOLD ON, HOLD ON…"** Brian seemed to be stalling for time. **"LET'S TRY THIS…"**

Lightning struck the old women, making her disappear. THe Vault Hunters didn't even move into a battle formation.

The fog cleared again...

"HEYO!" Steve bellowed.

"...You have absolutely no idea what you're doing , do you, Brian?" Maya asked.

"No…" Brian said, walking back into the arena.

Steve disappeared into a puff of smoke.

"I can only summon things under my domain. I'm just an intern, so that's not much. The only things that can be turned into true Destroyer of Worlds would be something under the previous one's domain, and the only thing that's left from that is…" Brian trailed off, then he sprung up, realizing what to do. "That's It! Brilliant!"

"What?" Gaige asked.

"I'm under the previous Destroyer of World's domain! If we just infuse the power into me, and I let you guys beat me in battle, I can figure the rest of this stuff out later!" Brian explained, eager to have figured out a way to get himself out of trouble.

"So what you're saying is that you'll just let us beat you up?" Axton asked.

"Yup!"

"After you become super powerful?"

"Sure!"

"...Ok then." Axton sighed. "Why not?"

"Great!" Brian replied. "Hold on. I just have to get to the place." He ran over to the other side of the arena.

"Do you really think this is going to work?" Maya asked the commando.

"This has gone on way too long." Axton replied. "This is going to end after this, no matter what happens."

"Ok!" Brian shouted from the other side. "Here I go!" Fog began to gather around him. "Dark forces gather now! Claim your new minion!"

Lighting stuck him. Brian screamed as he grew in size, his clothes tearing off of him. His skin glowed red as spikes pierced through his skin. His horns expanded and curled. His pupils vanished from his eyes. Demonic wings sprung from his back.

**_"Arise, Brian! Destroyer of Worlds!_****"** Brian exclaimed, spreading out his arms. _**"This feels great, guys! I feel so..so BIG! It's Epic. Amazing!"**_

"DESTROYER OF POOP!" Krieg shouted.

"You all right, Brian?" Maya asked. "Still OK with the plan?"

_**"Huh? Oh...Right… The plan…"**_ Brian said reluctantly.

_**"I suppose I should just let you guys do your thing, huh? Alright,"**_ Brian lowered his head. _**"Lets get this over with."**_

Zero prepared to strike him, but, just as he was about to hit him, Brian moved his head.

_**"Actually,"**_ Brian said, _**"why should I let you guys beat me? I mean, given the enemies you guys usually fight, I'm pretty high class. I mean, look at me!"**_ He flew around. _**"And look at you...so...so tiny."**_ He squinted down at the Vault Hunters.

"We had a deal!" Axton shouted, as the Vault Hunters prepared to fight the monster.

_**"Oh, that is cute!"**_ Brian laughed, conjuring up a fireball in his hand. _**"A fight between the infamous Vault Hunters and the Destroyer of Worlds! Who will win? Well, me, obviously. But how fast can I beat you? Lets find-"**_

He stopped, as if he heard something. _**"Hold on, I'm getting a call from the higher ups."**_ He looked up at the sky.

_**"Yup...Yup...No it broke...Don't worry! Don't Worry! I found someone else...Well, me! I could…What do you mean that's breaking the rules?! If you just…NO! Nonononono! Don't do that! I need to be the Destroyer for at least five more minutes!...Oh, thank you! I...I NEED THE POWERS! WITHOUT THOSE, I'M JUST A PUNY TWERP! THEY'LL WIPE THE FLOOR WITH ME! PLEASE DON't-"**_

Brian was unable to finish his sentence. He screamed as he appeared to deflate an a blinding light.

When the light stopped, Brian was back in his original body. He looked up meekly at the pissed off Vault Hunters.

"You guys heard that last part, didn't you?"

Click-click.

"Thought so. Meep."

And so the Vault Hunters beat the living crap out of the Destroyer of Worlds.

**Foryewhoartliterate: Where do they get a new Destroyer of Worlds now? Do they hold auditions or something?**

**Salvador: -shrug-**

**thewhitepatch: Did you like this needlessly complicated story? Well, you're in luck! Wayward Son: The Claptrap Story is as comedic and complicated as this chapter, if not more so!**

**Brian: That's a pretty shameless plug.**

**thewhitepatch: Shut up, Wheatley-I mean, Brian. No one likes you!**


	6. Disco Dancing

**Disco Dancing**

**Author: Foryewhoartliterate**

Axton dropped Brian's head in front of Claptrap. It was still dripping small droplets of blood onto the ground.

"Alright Claptrap." Axton said. "That's everything that you asked for. We brought you a metric fuck-ton of brown rocks, sort of, killed Ug-Thak Lord of Skags, pilfered the Lost Staff of Mount Schuller, and now we've brought you the freshly severed head of the Destroyer of Worlds, known in some circles as Brian. Now, can we please get the secret stash?"

"Not just yet my faithful minion. You still have to dance for my enjoyment! Mwhahaha!" He screamed, erupting into evil laughter.

"Right..." Axton said. "So how exactly do you want us to do that?"

"Oh right. Kinda need a dance floor for that. But don't worry minions, I had it taken care off. Walk this way!" He said rolling his way towards Moxxi's.

The Vault Hunters collectively shrugged and followed behind him.

As they entered Moxxi's the Vault Hunters noticed a number of things were different. Firstly, the tables were gone, replaced by an open dance floor. Secondly, there were more flashing lights than usual. Thirdly, Moxxi and Hammerlock were seated behind the bar at the far end of the floor. Claptrap rolled over to them and hopped up on a stool behind the bar.

"We'll be judging your performance minions! If you do we'll enough, you get the stash!"

"You've got to be kidding me..." Maya muttered.

"Alright." Gaige said. "Who here knows how to dance?"

All of the Vault Hunters just looked at her.

"Nobody?"

Axton and Maya both sheepishly raised their hands.

"Awesome. Good luck you two."

"Hold it." Axton said. "You can't just volunteer us like that."

"Sure I can."

"Come on." Maya protested. "We can't be the only ones who can dance... Zer0?"

A thumbs down appeared over the assassins visor.

"I am a killer/An assassin, if you will/I refuse to dance."

"Sal?"

"To short to dance with a partner."

"Gaige?"

"Pfft. Two left feet."

"Krie- Nevermind."

"Well Maya, I guess it's just you and me."

"Great..."

"Alright Claptrap. We'll dance."

"Not dressed like that you won't."

Maya sighed.

"And why not?"

"Because you look like you just tore through the bandit hordes of Pandora."

"Which is exactly what we've been doing..." She muttered.

"You need to to look presentable before you dance for the judges. Ask some of the other Vault Hunters if they've got anything you can borrow."

"Give me one good reason not to kill him now..." Maya said.

"Because he knows where the stash is and we don't." Gaige answered.

"Fine." She said. "I'll go talk to Lilith. Axton you go talk to Brick and or Mordecai and see if you can find anything."

"Got it."

The two unfortunate Vault Hunters made their way to the Crimson Raider HQ.

"Hey Lilith." Maya said knocking on the side of the open door.

"'Sup?" The other siren asked turning around.

"This is going to sound weird... but do you have any dresses?"

"Do I have any dresses?"

"Yeah."

"Why, might I ask, are you looking for a dress?"

"It's a long story and I'll tell you all about it later. Do you have one though?"

"Nope. Sorry kid. I'm not exactly the type for dressing up."

"I figured. Thanks anyway."

Maya turned around and went to find Axton and see how his luck had been.

She ran into him while turning the corner at the end of the hall.

"Sorry Ax I-... Is that... Are you really wearing that?"

Axton sighed.

"Get it out of your system." He said.

Maya burst out laughing at Axton's ridiculous outfit, which consisted of a pair of tight black pants, a black collared dress shirt, gold chain and a bright white jacket.

"You done now?" He asked.

"Yeah... I'm good." She said, still giggling a bit.

"Yeah... Well how was your luck?"

"Lilith didn't have anything."

"I figured as much. In that case you're gonna get a kick out of this..."

Axton held up an extremely small, low cut, sparkly blue dress.

"I... Where did you get that?"

"Brick."

"B-"

"Don't ask questions. Just put it on."

"I don't even think I can fit in that."

"Only one way to find out."

"I'm not wearing that." She protested.

"Oh yes you are. You want that stash just as bad as I do. And we've worked to damn hard to give up now."

"But..." She started to protest.

Axton glared at her.

"Fine. But you all owe me for this."

She grabbed the dress and walked into her room.

Back at Moxxi's...

"What's taking them so long?" Gaige asked herself.

Salvador and Krieg both shrugged and Zer0 put up a question mark on his monitor.

"There was a problem?/They could not find anything/Maybe- Oh my god."

"What's the matter amigo?" Salvador asked.

Zer0 pointed towards the door.

Standing there was Axton in the most ridiculous outfit this side of the 70's and Maya in a dress so revealing it almost wasn't worth wearing.

"Oh. My. God." Gaige said staring at Maya as she entered.

A :) flashed on Zer0's visor and Krieg yelled "Pretty lady!"

"Shut up." Maya growled at them.

"Minions! You've returned! And you look much hotter now!"

Maya's hand balled up into a glowing blue fist.

"Remember." Axton said. "We need him alive."

She released her grip and took a deep breath.

"Good. Now let's just get through this last quest and we're done."

Axton and Maya walked to the middle of the dance floor and the music started up... It was disco.

"You're fucking kidding..." Maya breathed.

"Hey, ain't nothin' wrong with the Bee Gees." Axton said with a stupid grin.

"There's everything wrong with the Bee Gees." She muttered as the two began to move.

Seeing as they hadn't rehearsed anything prior to stepping onto the dance floor, Maya simply let Axton take charge and she did her best to stay with him.

She just thanked the Angel that the song was fast paced, if she got stuck on a slower song with Axton she would have been pretty pissed off.

And because fate likes to fuck with Maya, that's exactly what happened next.

The track stopped abruptly and was replaced by a slower disco ballad.

"Hell no."

"Just stick with it Maya." Axton whispered. "We're almost done."

"Fine." She said grudgingly. "But if you try to pull anything I will kill you. Remember, I can melt your brain with a single thought."

"Noted." He responded. He then pulled her in closer.

"What the fuck did I just say?" She half whispered half screamed.

"I'm just making it convincing."

"When we're done here you're a dead man."

"Also noted."

A few moments later the song faded out and the two froze in place.

The Vault Hunters on the side applauded and so did Moxxi and Hammerlock; Claptrap however seemed unamused.

"And what exactly did we get?" Axton asked the judges panel.

"I give it a seven." Hammerlock said. "Good form but clearly unrehearsed."

"I give it an eight." Moxxi said. "But I think Maya's a ten." She added with a wink.

A slight blush crept onto Maya's face immediately after the comment.

"And Claptrap?" Axton asked.

"I give it a one. That was boring. I wanna see excitement!"

"I'm gonna-" Maya started.

"No you're not." Axton said holding her back. "I got this."

Axton walked back to the middle of the dance floor.

"Hit it!" He yelled.

The music started up again, a fast paced disco song blaring out of the bar's speakers.

"He's gonna make a fool of himself isn't he?" Gaige asked.

"Probably." Salvador answered.

Axton started moving, and to say that it looked odd would have been an understatement.

He used moves that hadn't been in style in years, and some probably never had been.

_(Look. If you want a visual reference of what was going through my head at the time go find the clip of John Travolta dancing to "You Should Be Dancing" from Saturday Night Fever. Trust me its worth it.)_

After a good three minutes of thrusting, squirming, shaking, and god-knows-what-else, the music stopped and Axton froze.

Claptrap and Krieg erupted into applause and the rest of the bar tried their best not to vomit.

Axton walked off the dance floor with a huge grin on his face.

"Good going killer." Gaige said patting his shoulder.

"Yeah... Great going." Maya echoed.

"That sucked skag nuts." Salvador not so subtlety added.

"Hey, if you think it was painful to watch imagine how I felt doing it."

"That was intentional?"

"Of course it was, Claptrap is annoying and doesn't have any taste, so I figured he'd enjoy something as awful and tasteless as him, and what do you know; I'm pretty sure it worked. Now all we need is for Claptrap to tell us where the stash is."

"Minions!" Claptrap said. "Follow me back to my place and I'll tell you all about my stash!"

"See? It worked."

The Vault Hunters did as they were told, followed Claptrap and shortly thereafter arrived at Claptrap's place.

"Minions! You have proven most valuable! You brought me all of those wonderful brown rocks, a killed a giant skag, pilfered the Lost Staff of Mount Schuller, brought me the HEAD OF THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS, also known as Brian, and you danced in a way most pleasing to my visual receptor. As your reward I shall give you access to my stash... After you do just one more quest for me."

"Hell no!" Maya yelled. "We are not doing anymore of your damn quests."

She slammed her fist onto the wall behind her for effect.

The wall then came falling down revealed a rusted old locker. A sign above it proclaimed "Claptrap's Secret Stash".

The Vault Hunters looked at the broken, rusty old locker for a few brief moments and then turned towards Claptrap.

"That's it? That's the awesome secret stash, hidden, and I quote, very far away from this place?"

"Now minions... Lets not do anything we might regret..."

"Oh I'm not going to regret this at all..." Maya said, her arm glowing bright blue.

"What about you my other, favorite and much more forgiving, minions? You're not just going to let her attack me are you?"

"Nope." Said Axton. "I'm going to help."

"Ok maybe not you but what about you assassin minion?"

Zer0's visor showed a thumbs down.

"Short, angry, heavy drinking minion?"

Salvador cocked a shotgun.

"Small redheaded minion?"

Gaige shook her head and summoned Deathtrap.

"Giant genetic abomination minion?"

"Strip the bolts!"

"Oh skag crap..."

Claptrap then did the only thing he knew how to do when he got himself stuck in a bad situation; he ran.

Claptrap flew like the wind across the city of Sanctuary while the Vault Hunters gave chase.

They were determined to catch him, and then they would kill him, in as many horrifying ways as they possibly could.

**Foryewhoartliterate: But wasn't it worth all the experience?**

**Gaige: I almost got murdered by a boulder, poison darts, aggressive natives, and a flaming hell snake! Why was there a flaming hell snake?!**

**Axton: I served six tours with the Dahl military and none of it compares to the living hell that was collecting brown rocks.**

**Maya: Fuck skags, fuck the destroyer of worlds, fuck Claptrap, and fuck that dress.**

**Axton: That's seems to be an awful lot of fucking for someone who-**

**Maya: Brain. Melted. Is that really what you want?**

**Axton: I'll shut up now.**

**Sal: Brian was fun to punch.**

**Krieg: Strip the flesh! Salt the wounds! Feast on the small yellow box's juicy robot innards!**

**Zer0: That was just awful/Never again, not a chance/I really hate you.**

**Foryewhoartliterate: Screw you guys.**

**Foryewhoartliterate: And now a word from the co-authors…**

**thewhitepatch: Thank you all for reading this collaboration! It was really fun! Time to do that thing fanfiction writers do where they meet up with the main characters of the thing they wrote! How are you all feeling?**

**Zer0:...Who are you?**

**Axton: What do you mean?**

**Maya: Fanfiction? As in writing?**

**Gaige: We aren't real? We were just created for your sick entertainment?!**

**thewhitepatch:...Actually, you guys aren't even the original-**

**Salvador: GUYS I'M HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS!**

**Krieg: MEEEEEEAAAAATTTT!**

**thewhitepatch: Ok this was a bad idea…Read Wayward Son! (runs away)**

**Hi, I'm Civilized Lee, and as I scramble to polish up some of my own projects in a spastic fit that would rival Dr. Tannis, I'd like to say thanks for dropping by and reading! With Valentine's Day so close, perhaps you would like to check out some of the romance fics I've written! Or, if the concept of human "wuv" confuses and infuriates you, I also have a selection of non-romantic stories. I can guarantee* you won't regret it!**

**(*not a guarantee)**

**WhimsicalMayhem here! How are you all doing? Well, thanks for reading this; its a real piece of work, with all these awesome authors and then little old me ^.^ ANYWAYS if your into a good laugh or two, check out some of my fanfictions. Strip Poker part II is going to be coming out shortly, so theres that.**

**Now, heres a thing! You know, for Valentines Day**

**Salvador: I'll show you EXACTLY what i'm compensating for, Valentine ;D**

**Axton: You can handle my turret anytime, Valentine.**

**Zer0: My darling flower,/ nothing compares to you, /Be my Valentine 3**

**Kreig: LOOOOVE YOOOOOOU**

**Gaige: This arm vibrates you know, Valentine.**

**Maya: I'll show you what a Sweet Release really looks like, Valentine.**

**(WhimsicalMayhem written, Moxxie approved)**

**Credits**

**Introduction- ForYeWhoArtLiterate**

**Rock Collecting- thewhitepatch**

**Skag Slaying- Civilized Lee**

**Lost Staff Pilfering- WhimsicalMayhem**

**Destroyer of World Destroying- thewhitepatch**

**Disco Dancing- ForYeWhoArtLiterate**

**I thank you all for reading. We had a great time putting this together.**

**I'd like to thank my three co-authors and lovelivelife for giving me the idea to try and do this. I'd also like to thank the people who volunteered to help but for whatever reason couldn't commit to the project.**

**Edited by Foryewhoartliterate**


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